aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on May 28, 2008 22:15:20 GMT -5
Aidan hadn’t been sleeping a lot lately and when he did he slept miserably. His nightmares would shake him awake and that never happened, which gave him a clue to just how deep in all this shit he really was. It started after that night with Alex when they were both high and the kissed and Alex found his scars and they slept and they kissed and then Aidan kicked him out. He was panicking true but really it was for the best, or so he kept telling himself over and over. Because he wasn’t going to hurt Alex and he wasn’t going to get screwed over again.
And yet it still hurt, and badly. It was a vice grip on his chest, threatening to squeeze him ‘til he popped. It was horrible and he hated it. He couldn’t get the feelings out of his head, the longing to see the boy even after being so horrible to him. he hadn’t seen Alex since that night and it had been a while, a week perhaps. Time didn’t seem to flow like it used to and hours dragged on forever and days flew past. It was messed up and twisted around. The music wasn’t coming like it used to and the band was giving him weird looks. he didn’t tell them anything.
Gabe, he told Gabe who had acted as his liaison for the rest of the band and assured him that at one point Aidan would get his act together. They trusted him enough to stick by and wait for that to prove true. Aidan loved them for that. Gabe meanwhile advised him to work it out, see the boy, maybe trust him a bit. Aidan was deaf to the ‘trust him’ part. So the music was eluding him and all his thoughts were of the dark haired boy and their kisses and their words and… everything. The only words that came were words about him, about that. fuck it was terrible.
So Aidan found himself sitting on a bench at the local park, pencil in hand, notebook opened on his lap, scribbling words that would never be a song because he would never show them to anyone.
I’ve been here before, I’ve got the scars to prove it
I won’t jump off this cliff again
‘cause I know your wings are broken
Trust you say, I just can’t trust
Love you say… no never again
Never again
fuck it was miserable but it fit his mood. The damn kid was occupying his mind, his thoughts, his lyrics, everything. And he hadn’t see the guy in a week. A long miserable week. To top it off their were new scars littering his arms, hidden under long sleeves, burning every time he brushed up against something. Not deep scars, little cuts, memory cuts, Alex cuts. |
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Post by alex midnight on May 29, 2008 14:51:05 GMT -5
   My scars remind me that the past is real...... ___________ Alex had found it hard to sleep, at all for the past week or so. And if he did sleep at all, he would have really bad dreams - ones even worse than normal. He really just wished it would stop, it was making it harder for Alex to get Aidan out of his head. And it didnt help at all, when everytime he looked down to his amrs he saw cuts up and down his arms, all over.
Yeah he knew he said it was wrong to do such a thing to yourself. But he was just too depressed, and he wanted to stop thinking of Aidan, and just feel how good the pain felt. And it really did feel good, and yeah he wasnt going to make it a hobby, but he would do it a little bit.
Alex was always wondering how Aidan was, what he was doing, if he forgot about Alex? Would he forget about him? Or would it be hurting him as much as it was hurting Alex? He hoped that Aidan didnt forget him, wast thinking of him, like Alex was thinking of him.
As he sat in the park, watching people go by, thinking of Alex. He wondered what he was going too do. He had actually been sober for the last week, the last time he did anything was with Aidan, and that was just making him even worse. But he just couldnt do anything. He felt like giving up.
He looked through out the park, hoping he would see Aidan. He really wanted to see him, really bad. He just wished Aidan was thinking the same. He wondered what Aidan would say if he saw the scars all over his arms. If he would cry like Alex cried when he saw his... would he even care? Probably not.
Alex sat under a tree, laying his head against the great trunk, thinking. He sat close to a bench, someone was sitting on it, notebook in there lap, writing things down. he wondered who it was, but he couldnt tell. |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on May 29, 2008 16:34:39 GMT -5
Someone said that if you couldn’t get someone out of your head, they were probably supposed to be there. That was utter bullshit. It just meant you were messed up an obsessive and nothing good. So what if Aidan couldn’t get Alex out of his head, he boy certainly didn’t belong there, taking up all his thoughts, just messing everything up. Like he had kicked Alex out of the bus he wished he could kick Alex out of his head.
And yet…
fuck this was so messed up and his stupid lyrics and the cuts on his arm weren’t helping at all. He didn’t want to think about the kisses and how good it felt to have someone hold him like that. He didn’t want to think about waking up hangover but warm and safe for a moment, just a moment. He didn’t want to think about how really… it felt nice to be around the boy when he had it. He didn’t want to think about how he fucked up his only chance… he didn’t want a chance anyway.
why can’t you get out of my head
why can’t you just leave me alone
why do I always think of you
only of you, always of you
Damn he was just miserable. He wanted to… he didn’t know what, disappear maybe. Gabe told him to return to the bus when he thought of that, got those messed up, jump off of buildings, suicidal thoughts in his head. Gabe said come right back to the bus and things would be okay. Aidan didn’t move. He tapped his pencil against the notebook and fidgeted a bit. Then he noticed, he didn’t know why, the boy sitting under the tree near the bench.
fuck.
It was Alex. He had avoided the boy for a week without really trying. Big city, they were on tour, and… well it was easy. And yet here the boy was, sitting under the tree. Aidan realized Alex hadn’t noticed him or at least hadn’t said anything and Aidan shifted on the bench, watching home for a moment, looking as broken as Aidan felt. shit this was messed up. “Hey Alex,” he said, his voice small and cautious like he would spoke if any sudden moves were made, which he might.
he was sure the brokenness, the hurt was written in his face and he tried to cover it but he had no energy anymore and really what he wanted to do was just curl up in the kids arms and screw up his eyes and just sleep or something. Maybe they could both disappear together. But he stayed on the bench, scared and sad looking.
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Post by alex midnight on May 29, 2008 21:14:17 GMT -5
My scars remind me that the past is real... ___________ Alex just wished Aidan would get out of his head, he wished he was the one who could kick him out this time - out of his head. It was killing him that he was thinking about him, but he couldnt see him at all.
As Alex looked down at his arms, everytime he thought of Aidan more, he really wished he would have done it where he cant see it everytime he looks down. He really didnt even understand why exactly he did it. He knew it was because he was depressed. But was it worth it. He could have just ended it. He really had nothing to live for. He had no job, no family, pretty much no friends, and no home at all. If he didnt find a place to stay for the night, he stayed on the streets all night, getting drunk or high.
But he was finding it hard to do anything, didnt have the will to do it. He didnt want to so anything anymore. And chose to stay away from people as much as he could.
As he realized the boy sitting on the bench, very close to the tree he was leaning against, the boy looked over, and he realized it was Aidan. Oh shit, why now? Why here? He didnt want to see him right now, his ugly, cut up arms were showing, because he had a short sleeve shirt on. He just didnt want to deal with it now, he felt like he was going to cry.
As they both noticed eachother, Aidan spoke - which surprised Alex. “Hey Alex,” he said, looking at him. He looked rather sad, and scared. Alex looked up to him, getting up, and walking over to the bench sitting down as far from Aidan as possible, and bringing his knees up, wrapping his arms around them. "Hey...." he said shyly, looking at the ground.
Was it really worth talking to him? He really wanted too, but if he was just going to leave him again, it would make it even worse. "How have you been?" he asked, looking up to him. |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on May 29, 2008 21:30:41 GMT -5
How ironic really, two fucked up kids finding each other like that, one with no home, no friends, no family no nothing, sleeping on the streets and getting high, one with a band, a life, people who watched out for him, and yet utterly alone. Two fucked up kids finding each other, kissing each other, letting each other in and then running away. To be fair Aidan pretty much did the running part. Still, how ironic these two kids should meet again, both messed up over the experience, both missing each other (though it was unlikely either one would admit to that without a bit of coaxing) sitting on a park bench with ugly cut up arms. Something out of a Shakespearian tragedy.
Alex noticed him quickly and Aidan kept his eyes trained on the other boy, fighting all urges to run away, far away and as fast as he possibly could. Because part of him wanted to be hear and wanted that badly. Alex returned the greeting and stood up, walking over to the bench and sitting as far away from Aidan as possible. But he was still on the bench and the bench was small. Aidan closed his notebook, diverting his attention to Alex.
It was a stupid question, how had he been. He could have lied so easily, said that he was doing fine, great. It would have been an awkward conversation but perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt so much, Aidan didn’t believe that though. Of course it didn’t matter because he didn’t lie. he sighed softly, unable to tear his eyes away from Alex’s face.
“Bad,” and that was all he said for a moment. “I haven’t slept well, I can’t play music like I used to, I don’t each much, and all my lyrics –“ he cut himself off because he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Alex that. But then again he was in this whole mess of pain and hurt because he didn’t trust Alex, and Alex looked to be in just as much pain and hurt as well. fuck. “All my lyrics are about you…” he trialed off and looked somewhere other then Alex’s face. he ended up trailing down the boy’s arms, shirt sleeved.
Aidan could have told him to cover the cuts up better. But then again he was grateful. He could see the cuts, angry and red on the boy’s skin. He was unconsciously moving closer the whole time he was talking and now he was close enough to just reach out and grab the boy’s hand, which eh did. expecting Alex to pull away. His eyes scanned over the cuts quickly, remembering the shock on Alex’s face when he found Aidan’s scars. “Was it that bad,” he asked softly, his eyes on Alex’s arms, unable to meet the boys eyes and he knew Alex would get it, would understand the question. He already knew the answer anyway, it was written there, clear as blood.
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Post by alex midnight on Jun 5, 2008 21:48:24 GMT -5
My scars remind me that the past is real… ___________
As Alex noticed Aidan, he could tell Aidan wanted nothing to do with him. He could tell he was about to run away. Was he just going to leave? Or actually talk to him? Who knew. He really hoped he did though. He missed the boy, he had cuts all over both arms because of this boy, because he was so hurt when he was thrown out of the caravan a week ago.
As Aidan said something to him, Alex got up, and sat as far from him as he could on the bench. Alex asked him how he had been, and as soon as he said it, he realized how dumb it was. “Bad,” he said, unale to look away from Alex. “I haven’t slept well, I can’t play music like I used to, I don’t each much, and all my lyrics –“ he said, stopping in mid sentence, like he couldnt say what he was wanting to. “All my lyrics are about you…” he said, looking away from Alex's face, down to his arms.
Alex should have worn a shirt that wouldnt show the cuts as much. He could tell that Aidan noticed them. Aidan began to move cloer to Alex, grabbing his hand, and looking over his arms. Alex wanted to pull away, not wanting to get attached, but couldnt, he wanted this. “Was it that bad,” he asked Alex, still looking at his arms.
Aidan didnt look up to him - probably couldnt. He knew it was a mistake to come to the park, he felt it when he was on his way there. "Yeah it was pretty bad... i mean i have no one, no where to go... and i was beginning to feel wanted by you, but then you just threw me out, leaving me to go no where... i didnt know what to do... i have even been sober ever since, i cant touch any of it.... it just reminds me of you......" he said, looking to the ground. "I should have known you wouldnt have trusted me... i was so stupid..." |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on Jun 5, 2008 23:08:19 GMT -5
Aidan always knew he could cause pain. It wasn’t that hard, any human being could do it, a few well placed words (or misplaced words) a couple actions, a kiss or two on the mouth of the wrong person. It was part of the human existence that one would end up hurting people. It was an easy thing to do, something any human could do so fluidly. Aidan tended to avoid the purposeful and malicious hurting of others though and in this case he hadn’t wanted to hurt Alex, truly he didn’t. But all together he was not surprised. pain was a certainty of life, a necessity even. But seeing the cuts on the boy’s arm was a different matter.
He was hit with a feeling of utter loneliness, a desire to once again chance after death (he had avoided these desires and had actually been doing fairly well… until recently of course). He was hit with the pain and regret for Alex’s pain, the desire to… fix it. Which of course would only bring him more pain and yet he wanted to. He wanted Alex, all of him, bundled up in his arms, crying together maybe, just blood and hurt and tears and kisses and sweetness and then maybe everything would be alright. But that was a fairy tale and Aidan didn’t believe in silly things like that. Still it took a good deal of self restraint to keep himself from reaching out and hugging the boy. He didn’t drop Alex’s hand.
When Alex spoke a fresh wave of despair hit him. He knew Alex had no one, had nothing, nothing but his drugs and himself and the clothes on his back and that really wasn’t much of anything. And Aidan had kicked him out on the streets. he felt guilty, but he didn’t feel guilted, like Alex was just stating facts, not trying to draw something out of him. He realized in that moment that he probably didn’t have Alex’s trust. But then again, Aidan hadn’t really done anything to deserve it. He realized how broken Alex was, and in turn, how utterly broken he was himself.
“Yeah,” Aidan said softly after a moment of silence. “But people have a right to be stupid.” It wasn’t humor but it was awfully close. Aidan didn’t smile though and he couldn’t see Alex’s face to see if the other boy had grinned. Alex slid his hand down to grip Alex’s hand, for real. he pulled himself close on the bench and really he didn’t fully know what he was doing. But He knew somehow, somewhere, that he just couldn’t lose this boy. fuck he was in so deep. He reached out a hand and pressed his fingers lightly under Alex’s chin, tilting the boy’s head up.
“I fucked up,” he stated simply, admitting he had made a mistake, a bad one. He looked into Alex’s eyes and took a breath. He was a blunt one, Aidan, to the point, no waster of words. Not really. “Come back with me,” he said and it was more a request… actually it was more of a plea. That was apparent in his voice. It sounded of desperation and want. The actual ‘where’ they were going back to mattered not at all. “You have to understand,” he stated quickly, still keeping his eyes training on Alex. “I am sacred as all hell… and I don’t think you can truly grasp the exact magnitude of this, but that’s okay. I make a lot of mistakes Alex, I push people away, it’s what I do. But I can’t get you out of my head and… I do want you… all of you, everything. I don’t deserve it, I know that too.” There was a pause. “Come back with me.” He repeated and that was it.
He had just successfully given Alex the most amount of trust he had ever given any human being before. he had opened up in a few short second and given Alex his heart. really that was what he had done, because Aidan, eh didn’t do things like that, make those sort of confessions. But Alex… there was something about him. And Aidan could only hope now.
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Post by alex midnight on Jun 6, 2008 10:25:56 GMT -5
My scars remind me that the past is real… ___________
Alex could tell that Aidan had a scense of lonliness in his eyes, seeing Alex's arms probably didnt make it any better. He knew this was all a mistake. He should have never walked up to Aidan that night, if he wouldnt have, this would have never happened. They probably never would have even seen eachother at all anymore. Alex was beginning to think if he should just go back home. Maybe his mom had changed. And would begin to respect him, now that he was older. He knew that would probably happen, but it was probably worth it, so Alex wouldnt feel so alone, and have no one. And so he wouldnt get hurt by Aidan anymore.
As Alex told Aidan how everything made him feel, what it made him do, how he had nothing, not even a home. He realized Aidan was probably feeling guilty and Alex didnt want that. Alex actually felt as if the whole thing was his fault. He was the one who came over, he was the one who got him high, he was the one pouring his feeling out, both high and sober. "You know... i really feel as if this whole thing is my fucking fault. I was the one who came over, i was the one who made you try the drugs, i was the one who was telling you how i felt, when i was both high and sober..... so this is really all my fault." he said, still looking to the ground.
“Yeah,” he said to Alex. “But people have a right to be stupid.” he said, not meaning to make it humorus, but it was close. But Alex still didnt smile, he just looked to the ground. Aidan all of the sudden, slid his hand down and gripped Alex's hand for real, and pulled himself closer to Alex on the bench. Aidan then reached out, and put a finger under Alex's chin, tilting his head up so he had to look at Aidan.
“I fucked up,” he said, looking into Alex's eyes and take a breath before he started talking again. “Come back with me,” he said to Alex. Was he really saying this? Or was Alex just thinking he was and he really wasnt. “You have to understand," he said, still looking at Alex. “I am sacred as all hell… and I don’t think you can truly grasp the exact magnitude of this, but that’s okay. I make a lot of mistakes Alex, I push people away, it’s what I do. But I can’t get you out of my head and… I do want you… all of you, everything. I don’t deserve it, I know that too.” he said. Alex really thought this was all a dream. Could this really be Aidan saying all this? Would he even say all of it? Probably not.
Alex wanted Aidan too, but could he really gain his trust? And would Aidan be able to gain his? Maybe, but it would be harder now after what happened the week before. "How do i know your not just saying this? Im sorry but i find it hard to believe that you would ever want me..... im really not that special anyway... just some fucked up kid, who has nothing except for drugs...." he said, still looking at Aidan. “Come back with me.” he said once more to Alex.
Alex did want to go back with him, actually feel wanted. But would all of it happen? He hoped so. He hoped this wasnt just a joke. "I really do want to be with you.... but will you even be able to trust me? I want to come back with you.... and i will if you really want me too..." |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on Jun 6, 2008 15:57:01 GMT -5
Aidan wondered vaguely what would have happened had he and Alex never met. They certainly wouldn’t be in this situation because they wouldn’t have had their night of beer and drugs and they wouldn’t have been high. Alex would have never admitted to liking Aidan and Aidan wouldn’t have kicked him out. They wouldn’t have been in the exact place before they were before that night, before they met and Aidan realized something. He was glad, honestly glad, he had met Alex. He was glad he knew the boy, hugged the boy, kissed the boy. He was even glad to be sitting here in this moment, holding his hand, knowing the pain they caused each other. Well all the pain and suffering really sucked, but the overall place they were in… it wasn’t bad. It was nice even.
Aidan had never felt this way about anyone before. Feeling like this, liking someone like this, wanting to hug them, hold them, fix them, it was just so strange. And terrifying, he hadn’t been lying about that, not at all. It was absolutely scaring the shit out of him but he knew somehow that this boy was worth it, really he was worth it. He knew, whatever they would have, wouldn’t be easy, not at all. It would be painful and fucked up and Aidan would probably come to his senses at one point and try to shove Alex out of his life again and they’d both be miserable.
That was it though, wasn’t it. For the first time in a week, sitting here with this boy, scars on their arms, broken and messed up, he didn’t feel utterly miserable. He didn’t really feel good but all things considered, not-miserable was a very good place to be. But he needed Alex to understand his position, especially after the boy went along and blamed himself for this. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t exclusively his fault anyway. They had both made mistake, but that was part of being human. Human begins made mistake.
Alex was speaking again and Aidan understood it, how and why he was feeling that way and the pace he was coming from. He understood. He moved his hand so he was cupping Alex’s cheek, looking right into his eyes. He was feeling so much calmer then he had all week. And he wanted, more then anything, to kiss the boy right now. So that was what he did. He leaned foreword and pressed a gentle, non-demanding kiss to the boy’s lips, pulling away after only a second or two. He gave Alex a chance to recover and then he spoke.
“We’re all fucked up kids Alex, none of us are really special” he said. Sometimes it paid to be a writer, the words came out easy then. “That’s not what this is about anyway. This is about being the closest to happiness I’ve been in a week, this is about not thinking about vanishing completely for perhaps 10 minutes for the first time in a week. I’m scared, I’m not gonna lie. Trust hasn’t worked out for me in the past and I’ll always be afraid that one day you’ll get it and you’ll leave while you still have the chance. But listen to me Alex. I want this, I want you, I want us and I don’t know why, it makes no sense, but I just know I fell… good, happy, around you. I’m not used to that. I’m ging to try to push you away, I’m a fucked up kid… you just have to remind me that I don’t really want you to go. because… I don’t. I’d rather you stay.”
Having sad all that Aidan found himself rather emotional exhausted and he tugged Alex foreword, wrapping his arms around the boy’s frame and pulling him close and just hoping that things would work out okay.
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Post by alex midnight on Jun 15, 2008 13:26:20 GMT -5
My scars remind me that the past is real… ___________ Alex was still thinking it was a good idea too just go home - back to England with his mom, if she was even there anymore. Knowing her she probably found some dumbass guy, who treats her like shit but she still loves him. She was known to get guys like that. And even though Alex knew she would still treat him like shit, there was always a chance she would respect him, since he was older. It was worth a try wasnt it? But did he really want to leave, after Aidan said he wanted him. Wasnt it even true? Probably not. He could just be saying it too him.
Alex realized that he had never felt this way for anyone before. He thought he actually liked Aidan. But still didnt know if he could trust him. Or even if Aidan would be able to trust Alex. And he hoped he could - but he probably couldnt. He was glad he had met Aidan. But was it really a good thing? Aidan kicked Alex out - which led to the scars allover Alex's arms. He didnt want too blame Aidan, but it was sort of his fault. Alex saw Aidan's cuts before, and said he would never do that to himself. But he did.
Alex figured if he ever saw Aidan again that it would be miserable, and akward. But it actually wasnt. He felt that Aidan was trying too make everything right. Like he wanted everything to work out and be okay. Alex realized everyone made mistakes. Just some more than others. And it seemed that alex made a mistake, by assuming Aidan felt the same for him. He realized he didnt really like Alex all that much. Maybe just a friend?
Alex began to explain some things, to get Aidan to realize where he was coming from. As he did this, Aidan moved his hand so it was cupping Alex's cheek, and he looked into his eyes. Then Aidan leaned forward, and took Alex's lips within his. But it ended as soon as it began. Did Aidan really like him back?
He then began to speak, “We’re all fucked up kids Alex, none of us are really special” he said to Alex. “That’s not what this is about anyway. This is about being the closest to happiness I’ve been in a week, this is about not thinking about vanishing completely for perhaps 10 minutes for the first time in a week. I’m scared, I’m not gonna lie. Trust hasn’t worked out for me in the past and I’ll always be afraid that one day you’ll get it and you’ll leave while you still have the chance. But listen to me Alex. I want this, I want you, I want us and I don’t know why, it makes no sense, but I just know I fell… good, happy, around you. I’m not used to that. I’m ging to try to push you away, I’m a fucked up kid… you just have to remind me that I don’t really want you to go. because… I don’t. I’d rather you stay.”
As he said this he pulled Alex into his arms. "I want this too... but how do i know you really do? Just a week ago its like you were completly afraid of me. You kicked me out. And that let me to hurt myself, which i promised i would never do." he said, wrapping his arms around Aidan's waist. "I'll come back with you..." he said, smiling. "Your lucky, i was actually thinking of going back to England with my mother..." he said, lightly laughing. |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on Jun 15, 2008 22:04:22 GMT -5
People made mistakes, it was a constant of life. No one was perfect and many people were very, very far from perfect. Aidan was one of those who was far form perfect. But he knew that, he didn’t pretend to be something he wasn’t. He was just a fucked up kid and he knew that. He made a whole lot of mistakes in his life and it seemed that he had made the biggest one with kicking Alex out, especially given that hew as here and Alex was likely to never trust him again. Some things to eons to build and moments to destroy. trust was like that. Aidan had done one stupid thing and probably wrecked all chances he had with Alex. Of course he didn’t realize he really wanted Alex until after he made the mistake, which was just even more fucked up. The world was out to get him.
He would understand completely, utterly, if Alex hated him now and just wanted him gone. Aidan had done a lot to the poor kid, put him through shit he didn’t deserve, basically sentenced him to the street for a week. And Alex had promised he wouldn’t ever cut himself, yet here the scars were, red and angry on his arms, marks of defiance. Aidan wanted to fix things, really he did, and he knew it was impossible. Sometimes you couldn’t fix your mistakes. he was trying though. And Aidan had never invested this much in any other person. he never saw the point before now. Alex though… Alex was worth everything.
Aidan wanted so badly for Alex to understand, for the boy to understand that he never did this, never felt like this, and he was scared. He figured Alex would just run away, knowing he would be better off out of Aidan’s life. Because Aidan couldn’t make anything better, he could only break things further. He was that fucked up. He didn’t want to screw Alex over any more then he already did. Despite the inevitable, he really just wanted to pull the kid into his arms and hug him and kiss him and do whatever Alex wanted, anything, everything.
fuck he was in deep.
Growing up was a bad time for him, childhood. he was mocked by kids at school and he had no real home. It wasn’t a unique story sure and Aidan didn’t talk about it. He hated that time in his life and escaped that a long time ago through the music. But eh had been thinking about it lately, the same terror and despair and feeling of being trapped lodged firmly in his mind this past week. But now… despite everything, with Alex, things felt better.
Alex started talking and Aidan was silent, listening to Alex express his worries an doubts and Aidan understood all of it. He was utterly convinced in that moment that if Alex did get up and walk away, he’d die. He’d kill himself, he really would. It was over dramatic and terribly stupid and about a bazillion other things but honestly he didn’t care because he had come to the conclusion that this kid was the answer to everything. He was terrified beyond belief, but… shit. But then Alex said he’d come back and there was a sigh of relief form Aidan and he smiled, he actually smiled, something he pretty much never did for real sober.
“I’m glad your not… I’m glad your staying,” Aidan said, suddenly all breathless. His face was insanely close to Alex’s, the boy’s arms around his waist, and it was such an easy thing to do, just lean foreword a little bit, tilt his head down, kiss Alex properly, all slow and sweet and real. He could feel his heart racing, his mind soaring and he was thinking ‘this is it’. It was wonderful. A real fucking fairytale ending… well except for it not being the end of course… but he could deal with that. he was only thinking of the kiss right now anyway. |
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Post by alex midnight on Jun 16, 2008 11:13:54 GMT -5
Alex knew everyone made mistakes. And that no one was perfect. And that some people were very far from perfect, and Alex was one of those who were far from perfect. Both of them made a mistake. And Alex could tell that Aidan was thinking of hpw bad a mistake he made by kicking Alex out. He was probably thinking that Alex will have no trust in him now. Yeah, it was going to be hard to regain trust in Aidan. But it could be done. Alex knew that for a fact, he knew he could - one day - that he could trust Aidan again. But would Aidan trust him? That was the only quetion now.
Aidan was probably thinking now that Alex hated him, for kicking him out. Of course Alex didnt hate him. If he did, he would have got up and walked away as soon as he saw Aidan. He wouldnt have walked over to the bench, and sat down. And he wouldnt be here hugging the boy. Alex realized that if he did loose Aidan, he would cut again. And he would have went back to England, with his mother. Which would have been even worse. Because she was probably the same. And would treat him the same, if she was even there anymore. Which he really hoped she wasnt. Alex found himself wishing something bad would have happened to her. He really did hate the women. She was always a mega bitch too him. She ignored him, all the time.
Alex realized that Aidan had probably never liked anyone. He always pushed people away, like he did Alex. He really didnt even know if Aidan felt the same way Alex did. Alex needed him. He needed to feel wanted. He had never had that before, except from his grandmother. He really though that was the only time he was wanted around. She took him in, took care of him. Actually noticed he was there. She did everything with him. And then the horrible day came that she passed away, and Alex had to go back home. And then he came here. And he still felt unwanted.
The only real reason he wasnt in a band, was because he felt like he wasnt important enough. Or like the people wouldnt like him, like they would push him away. Thats the true reason he is a citizen instead of a band member. He didnt want to be pushed away again. Didnt want to have to deal with the people.
Everytime Alex was with Aidan, he felt like he was wanted around. Aidan made him happy. When Alex was around Aidan, it feels like his fucked up childhood never happened. Like his mother was never a bitch to him. Like everything was okay, even when it wasnt. Alex needed Aidan. He wanted him. But he didnt want too get hurt again. And there was a possibility that it could happen. And he knew it. Even though he didnt want to believe it, he knew it could happen, and that it probably would.
As Alex began explaining things too Aidan, Aidan was completly silent, and was listening to Alex. Which made him happy, that someone was actually listening to him. When Alex told Aidan he would go back with him, he could tell Aidan was giving a sigh of relief. Like he really wanted this all. Alex couldnt believe that all this was actually happening. No one ever wanted Alex around. And here was Aidan, saying he wanted Alex. He really didnt understand how much Alex could cause trouble. He was always in trouble. Even with the police, always. Alex liked getting in trouble.
“I’m glad your not… I’m glad your staying,” he said. And he noticed that Aidan was actually smiling. This was te first time he had ever seen Aidan actually smile when sober. And Alex actually smiled too, for the first time in a week. Aidan then leaned forward, and tilting his head down, he began to kiss Alex. Alex allowed it.
Alex then broke it after a bit, and looked into Aidan's eyes. "I missed you...." he said, smiling. "I would have too say, this is the first time i have been happy and smiling since the whole thing happened..." he told Aidan. And it was the truth. Alex realized that he needed some glass. He had been without it in a week. And had been going through withdraw. And it was getting bad. It was killing him. |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on Jun 18, 2008 20:57:45 GMT -5
This was all so new to him and Aidan was so worried about fucking it up beyond belief and beyond repair. That was absolutely a possibility as well, fucking this thing up, whatever it was, whatever it had. Aidan was never able to hold onto anything for too long a period of time, that had been proven true before. he doubted he’d be able to hold onto this for very long. At one point Alex would realize what a fuck up Aidan was, truly was, and he’d realize how badly he needed someone better, someone more deserving of his affection and he’d leave and Aidan… well Aidan would be left all bloody and broken and then… then he wouldn’t be there anymore. The Earth would swallow Aidan up and he’d be grateful for that. That was the ways his thoughts leaned, he was a sad sort of soul.
In the meanwhile, before the inevitable destruction of what they had or didn’t have or whatever, Aidan would live in the moments of happiness like this one, and the kisses and whatever else Alex allowed him. He wouldn’t pretend like it wasn’t all going to vanish eventually because he knew it was and he didn’t pretend things like that. But he’d enjoy the moments and he’d have the memory for the short while he’d still live and for afterwards too. He’d have the memory of those happy moments and though it wouldn’t sooth his heart, he’d rather have them. He really was a young cynic, poor guy.
Aidan felt like he meant something to someone when he was around Alex. Even if it was only a sad broken kid like Alex, Aidan actually meant something to someone. It wasn’t a feeling he was very accustomed too. Even with the band, he didn’t feel quite like this. Because if he were to vanish, well perhaps the band would feel the ripples of the effect, but they would get over it, they were good kids, strong, sure, they’d move on. He didn’t know if Alex could do that right now, in this moment and he liked to think that [perhaps Alex would vanish with him, like Aidan would vanish with Alex. It was a strange feeling, scary and yet comforting.
Aidan seemed to need to touch Alex, to prove to himself that this boy was there, was real in his arms. It seemed doubtful almost. Perhaps Aidan had gone insane and eh was really babbling in some mental hospital somewhere, hallucinating this whole thing. It was a nice hallucination and if it was simply his mind playing tricks, well he was grateful for that. Yet there was warm flesh under his hands and Alex’s kisses couldn’t be mistake, surly they could not be mistaken. This was real, he told himself that over and over, needing to be reminded of the fact. This was real and Alex was here, telling him that he wanted Aidan, that he would go back with Aidan. There was assurance in Alex’s voice that things would be okay, and perhaps they would be for a while.
Aidan knew somehow, somewhere, that he should trust Alex, that he should just lay his heart out for the boy, that Alex… Alex would be wonderful and gentle and kind. But Aidan could never bring himself to do that. Not now, perhaps not ever, which may be the destruction of them. How ironic, he keeps his heart so close to avoid the breaking of it and yet, if he does not lay his heart out, it may be broken anyway. It was a twisted paradox of sorts.
He was smiling and he listened to Alex after they had kissed and smiled slightly broader because… how wonderful it was to have that effect on people. He didn’t recall if he was ever the direct cause of someone’s happiness and it gave him… well hope. It was a nice feeling. “I’m glad,” Aidan said softly, brushing his thumb against Alex’s cheek, needing to feel the skin, the warmth. He tugged Alex slightly closer so the boy was basically in his lap. He didn’t care about passerbys; he only cared about Alex right now. “I’m glad you’re happy now.” he was unaware of Alex’s thoughts of drugs and such and personally Aidan liked this feeling with Alex sober. It was better then being high because there was no ethereal quality to it. It was harsh and cold and real and Aidan loved that. Because Alex was still there in his arms.
“Hey,” he said, bring his lips closer again and kissing Alex lightly before continuing his thought. “You want to go somewhere.” And there was no real promise of illicit activities in his voice. If anything it was an innocent suggestion, just a wanting to be alone and safe with this boy. Once they got… wherever though, who could say. “Back to the caravan?”
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Post by alex midnight on Jun 19, 2008 19:45:08 GMT -5
When Alex was around Aidan, he felt like he was actually wanted around by someone. Like someone actually cared for him. And this was one of the first times he had felt like he was wanted. And the first time he had ever felt this way for anyone. He really liked Aidan.
Alex just wished that in the end, everything would work out. He had this feeling that it would, but then again another feeling that it wouldnt. And he really didnt know what he would do if he lost Aidan. He didnt want to loose him. he wanted to be with him. But would it even be possible?
As Alex thought some of those things over. He realized that if they couldnt trust one another, that it could ruin them. Alex really didnt know if he could stay with Aidan if he had no trust in Alex. And Alex knew that Aidan was the same way. He just hoped everything worked out. And nothing happened to them.
Alex could tell that his addiction to drugs could also get in the way. He didn't know if Aidan would want to get into that stuff again, and then one of them do something wrong, and it make the other mad. And Alex could see that easily happen. When Alex was high, he got really emotional, and he couldn't control his reactions to certain things. Thats what messed everything up to begin with.
Aidan was smiling, as Alex talked to him after he ended the kiss. He realized that this was one of the first times he had ever really seen Aidan smile this much. He always seemed so sad, and like he couldn't be happy. Which he didnt understand. Yeah he probably had a bad childhood like Alex, but Alex still found a way to smile, and be happy.
“I’m glad,” Aidan said to him, brushing his thumb over Alex's cheek. As he did this, Alex was pulled over closer to Aidan, almost in his lap. He watched as the people passing by, stared, and seemed to move alone in a quickened pase. “I’m glad you’re happy now.” he said to Alex.
“Hey,” he said, bringing his lips up to Alex's again, and lightly kissing him, breaking it and speaking again. “You want to go somewhere.” he asked Alex. “Back to the caravan?”he suggested. Alex looked up at him. "Sure." he said, smiling. He got up off of Aidan's lap, and waited for him to get up. He wanted to make a quick stop to meet his dealer. Maybe catch up with him. He hadnt seen him in a week, and he usually saw him every night. "I have to go somewhere.... So i will meet you back at the caravan." he said, smiling, and leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. As he did this, he began to walk away - making his way to meet his friend. [sorry it wasnt that good. :[ ] |
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aidan cooper
bass [/size][/font]
Music is what feelings sound like
Posts: 144
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Post by aidan cooper on Jun 19, 2008 22:23:56 GMT -5
Aidan loved the members of the band in a weird and twisted sort of way, really he did. They were his family, all that he had left, all he was going to have ever. Except for… well except for Alex now. He would have Alex. Perhaps not forever, nothing really lasts forever, but he’d have Alex for a time and he would love that tome and hang onto it and for a while he’d belong there, with Alex, wherever and whenever that was. It was a good feeling, belonging somewhere with someone. Aidan missed feeling like that but Alex… he had Alex. Maybe things would work out. This kid, this boy, he was making Aidan hope.
Maybe they could pull it off too, though it was sure to be a lot of work. Nothing really worth having and worth keeping was easy to obtain or keep anyway, this week was certainly testament to that fact. Aidan’s death would be looming over them, written plainly in the scars on his arms, the new and the old. Alex’s addictions would hang over them in the boy’s voice and his manner and everything else about him. So they would suffer and times would be bad but if they could work through it… Aidan wouldn’t give up this feeling he had right now for anyone or anything.
Alex brought out so many things in his, deep down buried things, like his smile and his joy. Alex brought out fear too, but with good came bad and Aidan knew that and moved on and decided, since he had it, to focus of the good. So he did and the good was nice and he loved it and lived in those moments. Alex was considering him as he spoke and it was a strange feeling, to be afforded this attention. Usually people didn’t pay attention to him like this unless it was his band afraid he was going to slice his arms open again.
Alex got up, saying he needed to go somewhere first and Aidan nodded. He figured since Alex was now closer to his normal self he was probably getting drugs. Aidan had a knack for reading people after all. He didn’t stop Aidan or tell him to just come back to the bus. Everyone deserved their own life even if that life was intertwined with someone else’s. Alex deserved to spend his life the way he wanted. Aidan stood up with him though, unwilling to relinquish his grip on the boy until the last minute. Alex kissed him on the cheek and Aidan let him go, watched him walk off.
“Bring me back something,” Aidan called after Alex, figuring the boy would get the allusion to the drugs he was sure to pick up. Aidan had a little smile on his face as well. Might as well live the life with Alex, right. he quickly walked off to the caravan to get things all… well comfortable.
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